"Avatar" Review

Whether you like James Cameron's movies or not, its hard to resist seeing them. The first creation in a decade by the man who directed the highest grossing movie in the world formed such an immense amount of hype that it couldn't possibly live up to... and didn't, at all. Not to say that I hated it, its just that everyone is talking about it being amazing and destroying box office records, when really and truly it just isn't going to happen, and people who say this must be high on several forms of drugs. I even read one review that said “Best movie of the last 30 years”... WTF IS WITH THESE PEOPLE???

When I go to the cinemas I generally like to see a decent storyline, and while visuals can help, they aren't generally the most important thing. That said, the visuals were fucking incredible, like, just amazing. However, I still see 3D as a pointless addition to any movie, and this hasn't really sold me on the idea, but as I'll be seeing this movie again later this week in 2D I'll make my final judgment on 3D then.

Somehow a decade ago this man managed to bring thousands of people into cinemas to tell a story that they already knew the basic ending to, and still left many of them crying. Avatar is not going to leave anyone crying (Unless they're pathetic overly emotional wankers), except when they hear lines like “We are here to mine Unobtainium”. Sick play on words James, very proud. Couldn't think of anything more original? What was he thinking... “Hmm... maybe I'll throw $400 million into special effects and use the other $50 million on pot to smoke while I write the script...”. And thats not the only annoying one, there are corny annoying lines littered throughout the script, and while both Worthington and Weaver's acting is well done, some of the lines are too irritating to ignore. And trust me, by the end of the movie you'll be sick of seeing people look at each other emotionally and saying “I see you” like its a futuristic fucking game of peek-a-boo.

The underlying theme of “anti-technology” throughout the movie is a little ironic to take in while watching the most advanced computer graphics ever put on screen, it feels like the movie is mocking you, condescending to your materialistic attitude. Now I don't know about you, but I don't generally liked to be judged by my movies, I go there to be entertained. And while my eyes were entertained my brain wanted to kill itself and others. And the religion aspect also annoyed the shit out of me, why cant these kind of things just fuck off already? “I am legend” also tried to pull this bullshit, and it didn't add anything to that fucken movie either.

Now while I wasn't that excited by it, I'm definitely not telling people not to see it. If you're happy with a mediocre story and some corniness with incredible graphics, go ahead. But while I think James Cameron is an incredible storyteller, to me it seemed like he just didn't have a decent story to tell.

Edit:
Saw it in 2D today, very little difference. Still not sold on the whole 3D idea, but meh, what are ya gonna do? Still don't see how this movie is getting constant insanely good reviews, and once again wanted to vomit every time someone said "I see you" or mentioned anything about Eywa (The pandorian deity XD)

"Paranormal Activity" Review

What can one say about a movie like “Paranormal Activity”? The reviews on this movie positively astound me, the ridiculous praise, the incredible fear, none of which I shared or understood. I read statements such as “Scariest Film Ever” and “Don't watch alone” and watched it raise it to a level of hype that makes me want to eat my own eyeballs as opposed to watching it. The fact that I'll be watching Avatar in the coming week however, which is so ridiculously hyped as it is by the director of the highest grossing movie ever, makes me feel I should be less judgmental of overly hyped films. However, in this case I'll be as judgmental as I damn well please.

This movie to me was basically “Blair Witch Project” in a house. I guess it is slightly different, since this time we get to supposedly see the invisible demon going about its merry business opening doors and moving sheets around, how horrifying. It hasn't got as much of the shaky cam effect patented by such bollocks films as “Cloverfield” and “Quarantine”. And OK, I guess these factors give it a tiny bit more plausibility then BWP (which for the record, I hate with so much of a passion I often feel the need to arrange cult gatherings to burn several hundred copies of it). And while it causes me immense pain to admit, it was filmed well enough. The scenes looked realistic, I guess, but so did the scenes in “Star Trek”, and that didn't make that real. What I'm basically trying to say is... ITS A FUCKING MOVIE.

What you have to keep in mind is these people weren't really haunted by a demon. No matter how much they want you to believe it, this is not a documentary, or even based on a true story in any way. After watching it don't feel the need to film yourself and your girlfriend while you sleep you creepy fuckhead, nothing happens, the worst you'll probably find out is that your strange neighbour sneaks into your house and stares at you all night. It is simply a 2 hour piece of repetitive garbage with an illogical ending with the attempted true story aspect thrown onto us. Nothing scary, whatsoever.

I assume there are morons out there (you know, people who believe in demons and call up pyshics to ask about their love lives) who went home and poured flour all over their floors and then freaked out when there were footprints in it the next morning because their roommate went to the toilet. Honestly, I don't get it, but this isn't my genre... mostly because I have an IQ of above 14 and I don't piss my pants ever time someone knocks on my door.

"Where the Wild Things are" Review

I've always wondered how reviewers get to a stage where they feel the need to blast out their opinions on the internet, but after watching several movies in the last few weeks that were praised by such people although hated by myself I can finally understand the appeal. Watching “Where the wild things are” was one of the times I most felt like this. After reading and watching a couple reviews, I found the general consensus was that the movie was quite good and the main concern was that it was too adultish for children, well I have to say... What the fuck did these people watch?

I personally have never read the book, or even seen it for that record. I didn't know it existed until very recently to tell you the truth, for all I know it's a fantastic read. But if the book is anywhere near as pointless as the movie then I'm glad I was raised reading Babar and The Magic School Bus.

The basic premise of the movie alone makes me want to slice my wrists, a socially inept Max has an argument with his mother in which he bites her and runs off to imagine giant monster like creatures and becomes their king. It's as if a child's brain vomited all over a sheet of paper, and Spike Jonze decided it would be good to make it into a movie.

I admit there have been worse things made by this man, for example he wrote the Jackass movies, but as the director of such original and entertaining films as “Being John Malkovich” and “Adaptation” under his belt I at least had some positive interest in this film, but fuck... The plot is, well, was there a plot? I feel that nothing really happened, very little was resolved, and what was resolved was not explained well. I have to admit though, it was aesthetically stunning, especially knowing that there was very little CGI on the monsters, other then the faces of course.

James Gandolfini (formerly Tony Soprano for fuck sake!) is wasted as the main monster Carol, who has a confusing relationship with the other creatures like maybe they're all only being nice to him in case he murders them all brutally in their sleep. The confusing relationship problems between Judith and Ira (another wasted voice of Forest Whitaker) are never investigated let alone explained. Also the interactions between KW and some owls is a meaningless and confusing addition to the movie that again is never resolved or explained.

All in all I walked out with more questions then answers, one of them being, “How the hell did this movie get funding?” and another being “Why the hell does everyone love it?”